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Depression due to Problems in a Relationship E-mail


The goal of this website is to give support to people who are feeling depressed and unhappy with their lives. I am living in Europe and English is not my native language, I wish you will excuse me if I make some grammatical errors. I have a background in neuroscience and behavioral sciences and I am currently doing brain research in university in my home country. I decided to write in English because I wish to reach as many people as I can around the world.


Depression after a relationship has ended

Ending of a long term relationship can lead to depression. Relationships can end for many reasons. Sometimes two people simply drift apart and separate in a mutual agreement. Many relationships end when one person falls in love with someone else and decides to move on with that person, leaving the previous partner behind. Other relationships turn out to be abusive, forcing the abused party to end relationship. Regardless of the way a long term relationship ends, it is always difficult to go apart from someone with whom one has been sharing several years of one's life.

Depression after ending an abusive relationship

Abusive relationship can make one severely depressed. Often people stay in an abusive relationship longer than they should, hoping that the other person would change. It is, however, very difficult to regain the trust and a comfortable, secure feeling with a person who has been acting abusively in the past. If it seems clear that the abusive partner is not willing or able to change his or her ways, it is best to end the relationship.

It often happens that the abused partner returns back to the abuser several times before finally is strong enough to break free permanently. Even though life with an abuser is filled with suffering, leaving one's familiar life seems to be even worse option. What is causing this paradoxical belief in the victims of abuse?

How to recover from depression after an abusive relationship

Overcoming depression due to ending of an abusive relationship often takes longer than overcoming depression after ending a relationship that has not been abusive. The victim of the abuse has to recover from the break up itself and on top of that from depression caused by the abuse. After ending a relationship with an abuser one often feels disoriented and insecure. Even though life with an abuser was stressful and depressing, life without him or her is an unknown territory and hence frightening.

Human mind is built in such a way that we feel anxious if we feel we are not in control of our life and our future. The mental pain one is experiencing after ending a relationship with an abuser is partially caused by the feeling that one's whole life has changed and one no longer has control over what will happen in the future. The loss of control is frightening and the subconscious fear of the unknown and uncertainty if one will find another partner are often keeping one in an abusive relationship, slowly rendering one more and more depressed.

It takes strength to break the negative cycle. The most important thing is to understand that whatever the unknown future holds, it is most likely better than the current life with the abuser. This understanding will help one to find the courage to break free. Recovery can only begin after one removes the elements from one's life that are the ultimate causes of depression. It the depression is caused by abuse in a relationship, the recovery process cannot begin as long as the abuser remains part of one's life.

In order to start the recovery process one must understand that the ending of a relationship is actually a good thing. This is often easier said than done. Emotional attachment to an abuser can be so strong that it takes long time, several months or even years to regain one's mental balance and happiness. The speed of the recovery process depends greatly on one's own behavior. If one dwells on negative thoughts and isolates oneself from the world, one can be sure that the recovery takes longer. Instead of harboring negative thoughts, one can help one's brain and mind to adapt faster to the new situation by actively altering one's fixed thought patterns.

Understanding the biological and psychological mechanisms that are contributing to depression helps one to recover faster. The purpose of this website is to help depressed people to recover and regain their happiness and mental balance. To read more about the development of depression as a consequence of the abuse in a relationship, visit page Mental and Physical Abuse in a Relationship and the Development of Depression.


To read more, please see sections Depression - General and Depression - Science.

Comments (2)
  • robin  - married 38 yrs to a verbally abusive controlling m
    My mother was controlling and verbally abusive and disowned me when I married at age 20. I had 4 children with this man and he abused the hell out of our sons. Our oldest stopped talking to us 6 years ago due to the disfuction of our family because we kept pretending everything was okay after my husband had a blow up and then got on his good behaviour again. He was arrested 4 years ago and almost went to prison for dealing perscription pain pills. He was court ordered to go to anger management when my youngest was 15 due to the violence and abuse. My youngest attempted suicide at 15. Everything bad that's ever happened in our family has been because of him. Last Oct. my 2 remaining sons discovered my husband was doing illegal activity again. My daughter, who has 3 children, confronted him and told him unless he stopped,he'd not see the grandbabies. She and my sons also insisted that he get therapy. He refused and also lied that he was doing anything wrong and went so far as to lie that 4 years ago he did anything wrong. I made him leave our home and filed for divorce without his knowledige on Oct 11, 2012. I had always been terrifed to do this becasue he always told me he'd divorce me and leave me destitute and I was so afraid he had some power to really do it. He went through the entire holiday season without our family and grandchildren and still won't admit he's doing anything wrong nor will he go to therapy. I'm so depressed I can hardly function. My daughter is so mad at me becasue she said I don't even try to feel better. She's reeling becasue she can't believe her dad would choose his criminal lifestyle over her children, she's so hurt. She expects me to be the rock for her that I've always been. I live 2 blocks away and have always been at her beck and call. babysitting all the time, helping her with everything. now because I'm so freaked out, she's mad a me. I feel like the world is crashing in on me. I have to divorce him and I can't even imagine how he'll react to the divorce papers. My daughter has now turned on me. my sons are okay, but have their own lives. my mother died last summer and had to hurt me one last time and make sure I got nothing, she had $600,000.00 and put it all in my brother's name and he won't give me any of it. She wanted me to know how much she still hated me. I'm past wondering how much I can take. My whole life has been nothing but abuse and meanness. there's no hope. i have no friends. i can hardly function. i walk around my house and can't even decide what to do. i'm going to a therapist at the women and family services on new years eve. but what can she do? she can't change my life or family. i take 4 kinds of medicines for depression and mood stabilizers. i feel the life i've had would make anyone unhappy. there is no answer. i can't even try to think about the things that are good. there's just been too much bad and i'm completely exausted from it. no, i don't want to kill myself. but i'm unhappier than i've ever been and it just gets worse.
  • Sun  - Abusive relationship
    I was in an abusive relationship for almost five years. In the beginning everything was roses and I thought I found my perfect match. But soon he started to behave in a strange way, he would go into rage unexpectedly, would criticize things I said or did and would be verbally abusive. I did not understand what I had done wrong to have him change like that.

    I think I became slowly depressed during the first three years of the relationship. I was unable to experience any joy or positive feelings. Every morning when I woke up, the first thing I felt was pain in my stomach when I thought of him and all the lies he had told me (at that point I had caught him several times lying about other women, and that made my condition worse). He was not supportive at all, instead he acted very cold. I finally understood that if I did not leave him my whole life would be destroyed, so I left and that was the best decision I made in my life so far. After that I started to recover, and as I look back today, nothing could make me return to that hell on earth.
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